Then I also remembered my blog description. if you've ever paid attention to my blog description it says (what does it say exactly?... [taking a quick look]):
This is Our Life ~ Our Photo Book ~ Our Journal that will never sit on a shelf, be placed in a chest or find its spot in the attic but instead put on display for all of you so you can share in our joy and sorrows that come complete with life. Learn from our mistakes (THERE ARE MANY) or give advice when needed.
Gosh,that just sounds so corny to me now? Anyways, if I only shared the joys and not the sorrows I'd be a hypocrite and the description would be a lie. Uh, I'm
I am going to keep my word. Here, for the sake of avoiding in person awkwardness of answering questions.
You may wonder why I created this blog.
Selfish reasons? Oh yeah, and this would be the second post to fall under that category.
I created Two Men & A Lady for one reason. I wrote that description for a different reason.
Created and/or Description: At the time my brother lived out of country, and though we got to visit him and he got to visit us through the years, once Dax was here I had a feeling we wouldn't be going to Brazil anytime soon, so I wanted to be able to share every detail with him and other family that was out of town or state. Also, I wanted to have this to journal so I could look back and remember (maybe some day Dax). That's is sooo wishful thinking.
This would be a flat out open post about sorrow. There is nothing cavalier about this. A self expressed sorrow that most importantly deals with my son is no joking matter and really causes the most distress. It's definitely something I'm still trying to figure out because it not only affects us as a family, but Dax I fear the most. My father told me kids are resilient and he knows this from experience and I trust his advice (though my Father may not believe that, it's true). Clint and I are separated.
That's right, that's all but "that's all" or all that is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with to this date because in many ways it feels worse than death. If you wondering how I can possibly say that, well, I've dealt with a lot of death. A LOT. One was so traumatic it messed my outlook on life up for almost 10 years. Death is finite. This is not and realization of the indefinitely can drive you mad. First, I had to deal with being away from someone I'd virtually built everyday of my life around and vice versa for 15 years. Second, is not knowing how to move forward. Clint and I both struggle with being apart. Third is the worst, Dax. We have a child that is getting used to living with his parents under different roofs. Can't say he's used to it yet. (Heartbreaking). Now you may wonder why I didn't say Dax first. He actually was first before the separation. That's why it wasn't done sooner.
We never wanted this and the top of the list reason was him. That's why, like everyone else that faces something like this waits, and then in most cases waits too long. Waits until the bitter end when it gets to where it has to be done for, not just his sake, everyone's sake. I was in complete denial about it for a very long time. Almost like "not us, I am NOT going to let THIS happen to us." I am not going to be a statistic. But we had to. Coming to that realization was the 1st step, separating was the 2nd. Next still figuring that one out. Trying to end the separation without a divorce.
I mentioned Dax third (but definitely worst) is because dealing with being away from my husband was horrible but the fear of what it would do for Dax made everything worse and I'll admit, the first thing to happen was me not dealing with it well. Though I still don't know how I could have changed it I had no idea it was going to hit me like a hurricane. I started suffering daily migraines, when I wasn't I as crying. When I wasn't crying I was worrying about our future. Dax's future, my future. A lot of you have been through this. It's different for everyone but I've never heard of one easy case. If you have kids, it's a downright tragedy. If you've never been through this, don't wish it on anyone. Ever.
While coping (or not) I felt I couldn't let Dax see me like this (I couldn't let anyone see me like that). But I've got a five year old going on six by myself. My husband now lived an hour away. and would only get him so many days at a time. I'm so grief, and other other horrible feeling stricken and in serious pain. I didn't want my parents to see me in physical pain much less this kind of emotional pain (That's what I would have done different). So like I've already had to admit, this is where Dax came third, I did what we always swear (or at least I did) I'd never do: Let video games babysit my child. Yes, I fixed his meals, yes I smiled at every joke, kissed him tucked him in at night, but I was going through the motions. Imagine that, I'm falling apart scared for failing my child or already feeling like I had failed my child (for the separation) that I actually failed my child. This went on for almost 2 months. I was happy for Dax to go with his Dad only because he needed his Dad but also because I didn't have to worry about trying to hide my really painful ordeal from him. The minute Dax was out that door though, it was bittersweet, Dax would have fun. He'd be closer to some of his cousins but it was torture being away from him under those circumstances sheer torture. But at least he didn't have to see me so pitiful for a couple of days. I'm not saying it's easier for Clint, but he is able to conceal his emotions (I think most men are geared that way). I'm not going to say tougher, just able keep things in more than not. I've been able to hold it together and make appearances when the decision was made only like twice...So yeah, Clint's better at keeping it in.
This is where people who've never been through this may or may not understand and think I'm horrible - go ahead, I certainly did. I still remember my wake up call from realizing Dax no longer wanted to go outside, Dax no longer wanted to run around in the sun until his fair skin turned purple from getting so hot but still didn't want to stop. Dax started to talk about nothing but "ninja kicks" "protecting mama from robbers" "DESTROYING" "KILLING THE EVIL SHADOW DEMONS." He wasn't even six yet and that's all my five year old was interested in. He was so consumed with video games he stopped listening to anything that wasn't about video games. He got to go to the beach, he got to go to the park but obviously not enough and not a normal summer for a kid and I'll probably never forgive myself. I'm going to be trying to undo what I did for almost 2 months for sometime. It's been a struggle and I'm hoping between football and school he'll forget about the video games. I'm trying to get rid of him watching TV for now. This kid needs to get back in touch with being not just a kid but who he was before this went down.
I'm not dogging kids playing video games, I'm not dogging kids being excited about cool video games. I'm certainly not dogging "some" TV. I did it when I was younger. Wow, I was practically raised on MTv. But Dax is dealing with a situation I never dealt with at in a totally different era as a child. Being that he liked video games but still wanted to play outside, was ecstatic about getting to play football (now he's half interested, somethings, not interested at all. Video games, that's about it. He seems to give up too easy. I'm not okay with what I'm seeing and knowing I did this. I found myself crying to Clint over the phone when I realized I was failing him. Clint's answer was "We're both failing him." So now we're both doing everything we can to undo the damage. Though he totally doesn't even seem to notice, we do. I'm thankful everyday that I got my wake up call sooner than later.
Now pay close attention please, Clint and I, let me make this very clear: We are still married, we at this time do not plan on getting a divorce, we will do everything in our power to work this out. So, if you see me with my ring still on you understand. I still love Clint. He's the only guy I've every really loved once the infatuation died off. If the unthinkable happens and we stay separated, I'm not ever going to look for someone to replace him. (I know a lot of people are thinking you say that now but that's just where we are, we still love each other and it's hard on both of us to go through this). There's times when we've been tempted to just ignore the whole thing and drop it but both of us understand for Dax [quoting Iyanla] "we have to break the pattern" and make a new one. Hopefully that will be all of us together under the same roof.
Let me make something else clear, if you see me without my ring don't assume things have changed (I've always taken my ring off at night and from time to time forget to put it on especially when in a hurry). Clint has never worn his but does from time to time wear it around his neck. So if my ring is not on, Men, don't think I'm flirting with you because I'm separated and lonely. Please! I've grew up around guys mostly. My best friends were girls but I spent 85 percent of my life outnumbered by guys/guy friends, that extended into my teenage years. Plus I'm a talker so please don't think for a second I'm hitting on you because of my easeness around you especially if I've known you along time and have really embarrassing stories of you. ;)
Wifeys/Girlfriends: I'm eternally naive when it comes to SOME boundaries as far as TALKING. Since I'm currently separated, please don't get offended especially if I grew up with your husband. I'm working hard on this but honestly I'm a talker and if I knew your better half growing up I may talk too long - but you have nothing to fear, please come join in the conversation if your not already there, I'll talk your ear of too :). From what I see all of you are FAR better lookers. You must also know that I've never been one known for my looks. Just let the 12 lbs that I've gained (possibly more) from freak out eating since being separated from my other half - remind you that I'm still married (though, yes, separated) and I still love my husband. Keep that in mind when you see me looking all chubs. Trust me your husband is not looking at me like that and I'm not looking at him like that. But if I'm making you feel uncomfortable - give me that stank eye, I'll get the point. LOL Also, keep it mind it could be worse. Before I was separated I used to be a serial hugger (sp). I kind of slowed that down years back when I hugged a childhood friend, I hadn't seen in a while, when I saw him and then realized his wife was staring at me like "who the?? wha??? I realized the boundaries..trying to be very mindful of my actions since.
Bottom line. Some people are going to be able to commiserate. Some will even pity me - DON'T! I hate that. I will always bounce back. These past eight years I've seemed up and down a lot. (So much so you'd think I was bi-polar. I'm not, I've asked the doctors many times and they promise me I'm not. :) We've just been hit with so many crazy things that it would be strange if I hadn't experienced those downs. Emotion just runs very deep with me and sometimes so much that I kind of break apart but I eventually get on the horse again. My mom has literally been "getting up on that horse again" after literally "being thrown off" which resulted in 2 of her 3 major head injuries. Still sharp as a knife, most of the time anyways. She's in her early sixties so that's pretty awesome when you think of it. Sharper more often than I can claim. Though I can't claim to be as tough as her (I wish), I do share half her DNA so, I'll be fine. Gotta mention Dad's pretty tough too. I just led a more comfortable life as a child than they did. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. But I'll be fine. No Pity!
Think and Pray for my son but don't pity him either because no matter what I've done that is one little boy that is valued far higher than I value myself and though, yes, I slipped. It won't be happening again. (I went to drastic measures to ensure that doesn't happen. Those who know those measures can laugh and know just how drastic they are for me - let's just say I had to give up my tendency to hide and suffer alone. because I wasn't always alone, I have a son and also give up my stubborn prideful tendencies and accept back up help for days that don't look so bright.
Some people are going to make assumptions. Yeah, don't do that either because odds are you're never going to be able imagine our situation or anyone else that's going through this for that matter so if you don't know what it feels like or why the separation came about but are wondering, don't waste your time because it doesn't matter and I'm not going to play the blame game - neither will Clint. All that matters is, God Willing, this is resolved with the end of a separation and not a divorce.
Lastly, some will judge, it's one of the most human things to do. (As well as all reactions above) Well, go ahead. I'm guilty of judging others at times too though I hate to admit that. So, judge away. But I promise you, you won't find a harsher judge towards me than my own self. I'm not admitting that I should be judged by anyone but God. But people do what people do and when it comes to judging myself - I'm a perfectionist, I fail at even being a perfectionist and am definitely not perfect. As if that had to be said. I'm reminded daily by thinking I'm getting wiser and then just - wow... reality.
I can't say that I've ever been able to come to terms with people's crazy assumptions or crazy judgments but I have come to terms that at times I'm gonna throw most of my skeletons out there. In the past I did it because I believed people would talk less. Or really I thought it would prove their crazy assumptions wrong. I'll be honest: with some people I've learned that's never gonna work. But at least I'm not burdened with hiding anything.
If you don't already know all the details your not going to know because some "details" are not appropriate for everyone to know. Wait, this is probably the time to take to apologize to the family members AND life long close friends that I love and trust but you didn't know Clint and I were separated but you are definitely close enough to know why and are just finding out, that I'm sorry you didn't know or wasn't told. I just kind of closed up like a clam. I either didn't want to give you something extra to worry about because you were having too much going on medical wise, your own hard issues or in one case you were just so darn happy and been through so much I wasn't about to rain on your parade. It's a bad habit I have. Wasn't trying to patronize or think none of you could handle it or wouldn't be there. Maybe I felt like I couldn't be there for you and didn't want to make excuses. Both are easily true. For what it's worth I'm sorry and I'm still working on it. Old habits die hard. It's the reason I've turned some of you down for lunch, play at the park answering the phone. I did screen my messages though so if an emergency I'd have definitely called back.
So, there it is. Not much of a spill but you have no idea how hard it is to for "even me" to confess or even acknowledge any of this out loud. You have to at least admit this is pretty out loud. Public Blogger on Facebook. Doesn't get much louder. But like I said: selfish reasons. I won't have to explain Clint's absence from my presence/conversations. Or, Dax's practices, games, etc. For now his schedule is working five and half days one hour away. Though we want/hope to figure this all out soon I think single mothers can understand my need to be able to support myself once again and Dax on my own even though Clint is doing his best for our son. As will I. Clint has him now for the last hoorah with his Dad at his place before school starts. So we're hoping Clint finds work closer, or I may have to move closer and put Dax in a different school. Don't won't to do that. But he needs us both. With football and school and Clint working five and a half days an hour away. We're going to have to work something out - soon.
And two more things. Before I didn't mind "The Obvious Next Burning Question" about more kids. But now, I think it's kind of a no brainer to not go there. [insert huge smiley so as not to offend]. And, I stopped trying to edit my grammar a long time ago. So if you're a grammar perfectionist - go be an editor else where. :)
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