Who You Were

I meant to do this every year, but life doesn't always give us the time to do what we want. For the last couple I've had too much on my hands, but still wish I would have done this just for the simple reason that I remember so many things and in detailed manner far back in my life than I remember the last 2-3 years. I planned on writing down every mispronounced word. Every unique mannerism. However, though I hate I didn't record all of them, I'm glad I didn't miss the joy of them in the moment. Since this year seemed to be SO monumental to Dax and myself too.

I'm going to leave this to remind Dax (you) who you are/were in this moment and the past year. Though you may be reading it off a thumb drive,; assuming a giant solar blast hasn't knocked out technology all together... What I learned and what caught me by surprise. My hopes and prayers for you in this moment so when even I look back I can see where I TOTALLY as you say often of late have an:  "EPIC WIN"  Or as you also say " EPIC FAIL!"  Which I do not approve of the later if you're saying it to anyone other than your "Mom."

My Man,

Let's start with the most apparent. You in this moment are using teenage words. Like "Wicked Cool, Dude! or Hey Dude! Epic Win or Fail" and the worse... you went from calling me Mama to "Mom." Though I'm okay with you saying these things around me, you are never surprised when I correct you if and when you are speaking to others in this manner that sounded inappropriate. I totally take full responsibility for this. I should have seen Cartoon Network coming from a mile away.

You wave at every kid you see and have done this since you were old enough to talk. You do this even though only 1 (if even 1) out of  500 kids (you don't know) wave back. ;) That has never stopped you and you didn't let it bother you until just the other day.  I don't know if you are extraordinary for doing this, if it's your nature or maybe just your age.  I want you to know it's not because they don't like you, it's a sign of the times. Your Mom also did this, just not to every stranger I saw, only in my time things were different and strangers waved back. Most kids don't automatically have a radar that picks up other kids in their near proximity, are most of the time preoccupied and don't see you or are just dumbfounded at your EPIC sweetness.

You are a total social butterfly and talk like it's going out of style.  You will literally talk to a rock, wall or tree. I have always loved this about you but it causes Mom to hold her breath when you're at school. Mom also did this too, only I reserved it for people but have been told often by your father that I could strike up a lengthy conversation with a rock myself.  

You LOVE super heroes and have 10+ costumes of such. You asked me last night what your super power was.  Though my answer didn't please you because I told you of God's gifts he gives individually and you would learn in time what yours was and hopefully would learn how to use it to glorify him.
TIME OUT: Let me explain that Yes, Mom's answers sometimes will seem like total buzz-kills at times. That's because even though I sometime do play along and give you the cool answers that's only because in those times it's appropriate to do so. As much as I'd love to be your playful friend and be six again (you have no idea how much), I'm your Mom and responsible for teaching you things you won't appreciate until you are older. MUCH OLDER. That being said your superpower, among many others which I've already expressed or will get to, is your EPIC long-term memory when it comes to stuff you want to remember. This is also inherited. Only the special few of us out of every generation have it. ;) This will allow you to recall a lot of things other people don't and might want to forget. Use this power carefully my young Padawan. 

You have an EPIC heart. Sweet but also very tender and sensitive. You always look for the good in people and when someone doesn't deliver (which all of us never will always deliver, not even yourself) you used to ignore it and go on about your business but now that you're getting older you are realizing this now and you try to talk to them when they disappoint so as to understand them.  This is where my familiar phrase of "Dax is my personality on steroids" is often heard. Because your heart is so much sweeter and extroverted than mine ever was but just like you I still look for the good in people and want to be oblivious to the bad. However, though I want to keep you sheltered and innocent, the world is full of mean people and suffering and I'd rather ease you in it than have you sheltered and it smack you in the face later leaving you unprepared to deal with it.  For now I'm doing my best to make sure you know you can always come to Mom or Dad. When your old enough to really grasp and understand the Bible, my advice is to look to the Psalms. Read them over and over if you must and still come talk to your Mom/Dad or whomever you feel will help the most.

On the same note as above this year has been a tough year for you. You've been oblivious and happy for the most part but you've also had to learn to live with changes in circumstance. Not only at home, but starting a different school in K-5, surviving this summer, turning 6, starting sports for the 1st time and now 1st grade. You've seen a different parenting style in your Mom than you've been accustomed to. Mom is a little less overbearing, stricter and unrelenting at times and you've had quite the time figuring this out it seems. I'm right there with you kid on this. I see so much of you in me, but there are also so many differences. I'm also becoming more aware of your different circumstances.  At first I was overbearing because of our similarities. I expected to know how to raise someone so much like myself. But I didn't take into account your personality differences or the fact that you are not only a 1st born but also an only child. This is where your Dad will probably be the most help.  But in the meantime until your Dad's work schedule allows him to be with you more. I'm doing what I think is best. Though Mom spent almost all of her life outnumbered by guys I was never remotely close to being able to think like one.  Like any Mom raising a boy it takes trial and error figuring out how to raise a Man. Trying to restrain myself from stopping you from getting hurt isn't like moving a mountain, it's more like picking that mountain up and throwing it.  Because my previous need to protect your precious heart from hurt but noticing I might be setting you up for more hurt in the future, I've taken a step back to let you have the chance to be a "little" man and learn for yourself.  My change in Motherly restraint has been my superpower this past year. 

This year you've become accustomed to seeing Mom with her head on her pillow with her eyes shut and a big ice pack and/or heating pad on top of my head  because of some really nasty chronic migraines. Just to prove how sweet your Epic Heart is, you tip-toe very gently to come check on me every 5-10 minutes and put your face right in front of mine without saying a word waiting for me to open my eyes to see you and smile.  After I do look at you and smile, you give me a kiss on my head and run out. :)  If it wouldn't be considered child abuse, I'd superglue those lips to my forehead.  Because no matter how BAD the pain is, in that short kiss on the head I feel complete relief. It's feels as if the Lord himself has just touched my forehead.    

Though you are BRAVE when it comes to people, you are actually a very cautious child. You hate loud noises, have to see things done first to make sure the other kids survive - little boy though it may not seem that way, this is wisdom beyond your years.  I'm beginning to see this as a blessing. In this sense you are much like your Uncle Brian, your Aunt Diane or your PawPaw Roper.  On this we are like North and South Poles. Mom and your Dad was brave to a fault.  You might not realize it now, but when you're older and look back your going to think Mom was an adrenaline junkie. You got your first taste of this on your 1st go cart ride with Mom driving with the pedal to the floor the whole 5 laps around the track with the tires screeching around every curve and laughing until I noticed you were holding your ears from the loudness. Yes,  maybe a tab bit of an adrenaline junkie would be true if not for you. You've for sure already saved my life since you came along because by now I would have for sure took a free fall out of a plane just for fun and no telling what else.  Thank goodness most of the what else came before you were born.

You have an Epic Infectious laugh or giggle that always kicks in high volume right before bedtime. It spills over to me instantly and just makes you laugh harder. Earlier in the year when you were in K-5 I got tickled myself but not wanting to get you too keyed up knowing you'd never get to sleep, I would tell you "okay, we've had our fun now it's bedtime. I was once told I had an infectious laugh and when I lost that laugh or for a while seemed to lose the ability to laugh at all, you were the only one who could give it back to me. So now when it's bedtime and that laugh gets started I never stop it. Even if that means it goes on for an hour. 

This year I've seen you get disheartened too easy however are starting to learn that it only takes practice and practice. You are trying a lot of new things. You look at mom throw a football or hit a ball and are frustrated that you don't know how to do that immediately. You are getting tired of hearing "being good at something takes hard work" or "practice makes you better."  I also remind you often that Mom has A LOT of years on you and has many of years perfecting hand eye coordination (that's actually starting to go South now) but you usually lose interest and stop paying attention by this time. ;) You even asked me how do I know how to throw a football since I'm a girl!  When you're older I'll get to explain that girls love sports too but also that Mom had an older sibling, your uncle Brian, she was constantly trying to keep up with that cut me no slack whatsoever. That yes your Mom played with Barbie dolls and loved to play dress up but also at the same time had a skate board and could do an olie (sp). You will learn that stereotypes are useless. It's never one size fits all.

You wanted a big Birthday Party this year but because your Dad and I are still trying to navigate this new situation, we just weren't able to plan anything that big or invite all your friends whose Birthdays you went to this year in advance. You did not seem to care. Mom took you somewhere big on your day August 1st and the next day your Dad and I took you to Toys R Us (steered you away from the lego aisle that is equivalent to fighting gravity -b/c you have TOO many already) and took you to a 3D movie. It was totally awesome that you not once complained you didn't get the big Birthday you'd been expecting all year!! and as a matter of fact said this is the "BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!"

Son, not a day goes by now that I don't get on my knees and pray for your Epic Heart and that it stays that way but also for God to show me the way to raise a Man. All I want is for you to be yourself regardless of what others expect of you. To pick things you like, want to do and do them well. To learn to never give up and keep trying no matter how hard it is to achieve the things you want. Most of all to be a spiritual person and seek you own truths. I was raised in a Christian family but ran the other direction starting at 17. I came back because of what was revealed to me through my own life, through my brothers and through many others. All that I was given, how easily it could be taken away and still was able to see God's presence and him carrying me through it all though I admit that is has been a struggle at times to remember that. Life on this earth will always be more of a struggle than not. I pray that you will see these things yourself.

Good thing no advance plans could be made you changed your cake theme 100 times

At the movies with Dad and I

Dancing to the Music/Credits

Sharing Mistakes

July 22nd came. Time for Dax to start football. Next it would be time for school.  After hiding out for some time to avoid certain obvious questions that would arise I started to realize either I tell it now/once/the right way so as maybe to avoid awkward questions in person. (which totally has already happened once and I danced around it every which way and the awkwardness was so... so... typical me when I don't know how to answer without being too revealing. Hence the hiding out.  Plus, I was a basket case AND suffering some NASTY chronic migraines.
 
Then I also remembered my blog description. if you've ever paid attention to my blog description it says  (what does it say exactly?... [taking a quick look]):

This is Our Life ~ Our Photo Book ~ Our Journal that will never sit on a shelf, be placed in a chest or find its spot in the attic but instead put on display for all of you so you can share in our joy and sorrows that come complete with life. Learn from our mistakes (THERE ARE MANY) or give advice when needed.

Gosh,that just sounds so corny to me now?  Anyways, if I only shared the joys and not the sorrows I'd be a hypocrite and the description would be a lie. Uh, I'm TOTALLY kind of regreting that now but still kind of thinking so what if I'm a hypocrite. Kind of.  So, since I couldn't share all my sorrows because this is a public blog and I have a family. I'll tell you anything you want to know about me (I'll tell you anything you don't want to know about me), but sharing certain things that can affect my men is a different story altogether. I'm eternally naive and so stupid still but even an idiot realizes there are times when you just can't share certain things.

I am going to keep my word.  Here, for the sake of avoiding in person awkwardness of answering questions.

You may wonder why I created this blog.

Selfish reasons? Oh yeah, and this would be the second post to fall under that category.

I created Two Men & A Lady for one reason. I wrote that description for a different reason.

Created and/or Description: At the time my brother lived out of country, and though we got to visit him and he got to visit us through the years, once Dax was here I had a feeling we wouldn't be going to Brazil anytime soon, so I wanted to be able to share every detail with him and other family that was out of town or state. Also, I wanted to have this to journal so I could look back and remember (maybe some day Dax). That's is sooo wishful thinking.

This would be a flat out open post about sorrow. There is nothing cavalier about this. A self expressed sorrow that most importantly deals with my son is no joking matter and really causes the most distress.  It's definitely something I'm still trying to figure out because it not only affects us as a family, but Dax I fear the most.  My father told me kids are resilient and he knows this from experience and I trust his advice (though my Father may not believe that, it's true).  Clint and I are separated.

That's right, that's all but "that's all"  or all that is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with to this date because in many ways it feels worse than death.  If you wondering how I can possibly say that, well, I've dealt with a lot of death. A LOT. One was so traumatic it messed my outlook on life up for almost 10 years. Death is finite. This is not and realization of the indefinitely can drive you mad. First, I had to deal with being away from someone I'd virtually built everyday of my life around and vice versa for 15 years. Second, is not knowing how to move forward.  Clint and I both struggle with being apart. Third is the worst, Dax. We have a child that is getting used to living with his parents under different roofs.  Can't say he's used to it yet. (Heartbreaking). Now you may wonder why I didn't say Dax first.  He actually was first before the separation. That's why it wasn't done sooner.

We never wanted this and the top of the list reason was him. That's why, like everyone else that faces something like this waits, and then in most cases waits too long. Waits until the bitter end when it gets to where it has to be done for, not just his sake, everyone's sake.  I was in complete denial about it for a very long time. Almost like "not us, I am NOT going to let THIS happen to us." I am not going to be a statistic. But we had to. Coming to that realization was the 1st step, separating was the 2nd. Next still figuring that one out. Trying to end the separation without a divorce.

I mentioned Dax third (but definitely worst) is because dealing with being away from my husband was horrible but the fear of what it would do for Dax made everything worse and I'll admit, the first thing to happen was me not dealing with it well. Though I still don't know how I could have changed it I had no idea it was going to hit me like a hurricane. I started suffering daily migraines, when I wasn't I as crying. When I wasn't crying I was worrying about our future. Dax's future, my future. A lot of you have been through this. It's different for everyone but I've never heard of one easy case. If you have kids, it's a downright tragedy.  If you've never been through this, don't wish it on anyone. Ever.

While coping (or not) I felt I couldn't let Dax see me like this (I couldn't let anyone see me like that).  But I've got a five year old going on six by myself.  My husband now lived an hour away. and would only get him so many days at a time. I'm so grief, and other other horrible feeling stricken and in serious pain. I didn't want my parents to see me in physical pain much less this kind of emotional pain (That's what I would have done different). So like I've already had to admit, this is where Dax came third, I did what we always swear (or at least I did) I'd never do: Let video games babysit my child. Yes, I fixed his meals, yes I smiled at every joke, kissed him tucked him in at night, but I was going through the motions. Imagine that, I'm falling apart scared for failing my child or already feeling like I had failed my child (for the separation) that I actually failed my child. This went on for almost 2 months.  I was happy for Dax to go with his Dad only because he needed his Dad but also because I didn't have to worry about trying to hide my really painful ordeal from him. The minute Dax was out that door though, it was bittersweet, Dax would have fun. He'd be closer to some of his cousins but it was torture being away from him under those circumstances sheer torture. But at least he didn't have to see me so pitiful for a couple of days. I'm not saying it's easier for Clint, but he is able to conceal his emotions (I think most men are geared that way). I'm not going to say tougher, just able keep things in more than not. I've been able to hold it together and make appearances when the decision was made only like twice...So yeah, Clint's better at keeping it in.

This is where people who've never been through this may or may not understand and think I'm horrible - go ahead, I certainly did. I still remember my wake up call from realizing Dax no longer wanted to go outside, Dax no longer wanted to run around in the sun until his fair skin turned purple from getting so hot but still didn't want to stop. Dax started to talk about nothing but "ninja kicks" "protecting mama from robbers" "DESTROYING" "KILLING THE EVIL SHADOW DEMONS."  He wasn't even six yet and that's all my five year old was interested in.  He was so consumed with video games he stopped listening to anything that wasn't about video games.  He got to go to the beach, he got to go to the park but obviously not enough and not a normal summer for a kid and I'll probably never forgive myself. I'm going to be trying to undo what I did for almost 2 months for sometime. It's been a struggle and I'm hoping between football and school he'll forget about the video games. I'm trying to get rid of him watching TV for now. This kid needs to get back in touch with being not just a kid but who he was before this went down.

I'm not dogging kids playing video games, I'm not dogging kids being excited about cool video games. I'm certainly not dogging "some" TV.  I did it when I was younger. Wow, I was practically raised on MTv.  But Dax is dealing with a situation I never dealt with at in a totally different era as a child.  Being that he liked video games but still wanted to play outside, was ecstatic about getting to play football (now he's half interested, somethings, not interested at all.  Video games, that's about it. He seems to give up too easy. I'm not okay with what I'm seeing and knowing I did this.  I found myself crying to Clint over the phone when I realized I was failing him. Clint's answer was "We're both failing him." So now we're both doing everything we can to undo the damage.   Though he totally doesn't even seem to notice, we do.  I'm thankful everyday that I got my wake up call sooner than later.

Now pay close attention please, Clint and I, let me make this very clear: We are still married, we at this time do not plan on getting a divorce, we will do everything in our power to work this out. So, if you see me with my ring still on you understand. I still love Clint. He's the only guy I've every really loved once the infatuation died off.  If the unthinkable happens and we stay separated, I'm not ever going to look for someone to replace him.  (I know a lot of people are thinking you say that now but that's just where we are, we still love each other and it's hard on both of us to go through this).  There's times when we've been tempted to just ignore the whole thing and drop it but both of us understand for Dax [quoting Iyanla]  "we have to break the pattern" and make a new one.  Hopefully that will be all of us together under the same roof.

Let me make something else clear, if you see me without my ring don't assume things have changed (I've always taken my ring off at night and from time to time forget to put it on especially when in a hurry). Clint has never worn his but does from time to time wear it around his neck. So if my ring is not on, Men, don't think I'm flirting with you because I'm separated and lonely. Please! I've grew up around guys mostly. My best friends were girls but I spent 85 percent of my life outnumbered by guys/guy friends, that extended into my teenage years. Plus I'm a talker so please don't think for a second I'm hitting on you because of my easeness around you especially if I've known you along time and have really embarrassing stories of you. ;)

Wifeys/Girlfriends: I'm eternally naive when it comes to SOME boundaries as far as TALKING.  Since I'm currently separated, please  don't get offended especially if I grew up with your husband.  I'm working hard on this but honestly I'm a talker and if I knew your better half growing up I may talk too long - but you have nothing to fear, please come join in the conversation if your not already there, I'll talk your ear of too :).  From what I see all of you are FAR better lookers.  You must also know that I've never been one known for my looks.  Just let the 12 lbs that I've gained (possibly more) from freak out eating since being separated from my other half - remind you that I'm still married (though, yes, separated) and I still love my husband.  Keep that in mind when you see me looking all chubs.  Trust me your husband is not looking at me like that and I'm not looking at him like that.  But if I'm making you feel uncomfortable - give me that stank eye, I'll get the point. LOL  Also, keep it mind it could be worse.  Before I was separated I used to be a serial hugger (sp).  I kind of slowed that down years back when I hugged a childhood friend, I hadn't seen in a while, when I saw him and then realized his wife was staring at me like "who the?? wha???  I realized the boundaries..trying to be very mindful of my actions since.

Bottom line.  Some people are going to be able to commiserate.  Some will even pity me - DON'T! I hate that. I will always bounce back. These past eight years I've seemed up and down  a lot.  (So much so you'd think I was bi-polar. I'm not, I've asked the doctors many times and they promise me I'm not. :)  We've just been hit with so many crazy things that it would be strange if I hadn't experienced those downs.  Emotion just runs very deep with me and sometimes so much that I kind of break apart but I eventually get on the horse again. My mom has literally been "getting up on that horse again" after literally "being thrown off" which resulted in 2 of her 3 major head injuries. Still sharp as a knife, most of the time anyways.  She's in her early sixties so that's pretty awesome when you think of it. Sharper more often than I can claim. Though I can't claim to be as tough as her (I wish), I do share half her DNA so, I'll be fine. Gotta mention Dad's pretty tough too. I just led a more comfortable life as a child than they did. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.  But I'll be fine. No Pity!

Think and Pray for my son but don't pity him either because no matter what I've done that is one little boy that is valued far higher than I value myself and though, yes, I slipped. It won't be happening again. (I went to drastic measures to ensure that doesn't happen. Those who know those measures can laugh and know just how drastic they are for me - let's just say I had to give up my tendency to hide and suffer alone. because I wasn't always alone, I have a son and also give up my stubborn prideful tendencies and accept back up help for days that don't look so bright.

Some people are going to make assumptions. Yeah, don't do that either because odds are you're never going to be able imagine our situation or anyone else that's going through this for that matter so if you don't know what it feels like or why the separation came about but are wondering, don't waste your time because it doesn't matter and I'm not going to play the blame game - neither will Clint.  All that matters is, God Willing, this is resolved with the end of a separation and not a divorce.

Lastly, some will judge, it's one of the most human things to do. (As well as all reactions above) Well, go ahead. I'm guilty of judging others at times too though I hate to admit that. So, judge away.   But I promise you, you won't find a harsher judge towards me than my own self. I'm not admitting that I should be judged by anyone but God. But people do what people do and when it comes to judging myself - I'm a perfectionist, I fail at even being a perfectionist and am definitely not perfect. As if that had to be said. I'm reminded daily by thinking I'm getting wiser and then just - wow... reality.

I can't say that I've ever been able to come to terms with people's crazy assumptions or crazy judgments but I have come to terms that at times I'm gonna throw most of my skeletons out there. In the past I did it because I believed people would talk less. Or really I thought it would prove their crazy assumptions wrong.  I'll be honest: with some people I've learned that's never gonna work.  But at least I'm not burdened with hiding anything.

If you don't already know all the details your not going to know because some "details" are not appropriate for everyone to know.  Wait, this is probably the time to take to apologize to the family members AND life long close friends that I love and trust but you didn't know Clint and I were separated but you are definitely close enough to know why and are just finding out,  that I'm sorry you didn't know or wasn't told. I just kind of closed up like a clam. I either didn't want to give you something extra to worry about because you were having too much going on medical wise, your own hard issues or in one case you were just so darn happy and been through so much I wasn't about to rain on your parade. It's a bad habit I have. Wasn't trying to patronize or think none of you could handle it or wouldn't be there. Maybe I felt like I couldn't be there for you and didn't want to make excuses. Both are easily true. For what it's worth I'm sorry and I'm still working on it. Old habits die hard.  It's the reason I've turned some of you down for lunch, play at the park answering the phone. I did screen my messages though so if an emergency I'd have definitely called back.

So, there it is. Not much of a spill but you have no idea how hard it is to for "even me" to confess or even acknowledge any of this out loud. You have to at least admit this is pretty out loud. Public Blogger on Facebook. Doesn't get much louder. But like I said: selfish reasons. I won't have to explain Clint's absence from my presence/conversations.  Or, Dax's practices, games, etc. For now his schedule is working five and half days one hour away.  Though we want/hope to figure this all out soon I think single mothers can understand my need to be able to support myself once again and Dax on my own even though Clint is doing his best for our son.  As will I.  Clint has him now for the last hoorah with his Dad at his place before school starts. So we're hoping Clint finds work closer, or I may have to move closer and put Dax in a different school. Don't won't to do that. But he needs us both. With football and school and Clint working five and a half days an hour away. We're going to have to work something out - soon.

And two more things. Before I didn't mind "The Obvious Next Burning Question" about more kids. But now, I think it's kind of a no brainer to not go there. [insert huge smiley so as not to offend]. And, I stopped trying to edit my grammar a long time ago. So if you're a grammar perfectionist - go be an editor else where. :)

This is PERSONAL

FOR THE FIRST TIME I BEG YOU TO READ IN ENTIRETY.  I HAVE A POINT that's important.

I have not been able to bare looking at a computer screen very much for the past month if not longer. So forgive any typos. If you read this blog on occasion, you're used to them.

Out of seven days of the week, I'm almost completely DEBILATATED with migraines off and on throughout the day. EVERY DAY. I'm going through Imitrex like candy. What's worse is that the Imitrex and Maxalt (these are non narcotic sumatriptans) make me feel lethargic and very weak. Sumaprose (sp) injections are worse because I feel as if I'm having a heart attack.

However, I have a five year old, so suffering through them without taking something to ease the migraines is not optional. Plus in the past when I have decided to just "suffer through them" they can get out of control so bad to the point it can leave me almost catatonic and go right through night and day - for days. They are so bad that I haven't seen a lot of family that I needed to be there to see and in the least even my own parents whom I'm used to seeing my mother and talking to over the phone once a day. Right now that only happens for a minute max every couple of days because I can't take the noise of the phone. So bad that I won't allow my parents to see me  - because of the pain it causes them to see me go through that much pain and stand by helpless.

Even worse is the guilt of my son seeing this and wondering if he feels it's his fault. I've explained to him that mother had these long before he existed and since he's five AND very healthy he seems completely unscathed by them. But I really won't know that to be true until he's old enough to grasp it. It worries me because like his mom and his Great Uncle this kid has an extraordinary long term memory from an early age. Short term, like remembering to aim while peeing after he's been told a million times...not so much. ;)

That being said, imagine how much it breaks my heart to 1. See a toddler go through just a headache at his age and ask to go to the doctor for a shot!! (KIDS DON'T ASK FOR SHOTS!!) because he's in so much pain.

Also to know that his mother is having to watch her child not only deal with headaches, but other symptoms from a disease that is a FAR CRY from chronic migraines.

Those of us that are parents have friends, and we've seen sick kids before whether they be close friends, acquaintances or strangers on the news or youtube that get past around from good people who know it's easy enough to just share.

THIS IS NOT A STRANGER. I know this mother. Though I don't talk with her much these days. (In the past month I hardly am able to talk at all).  I've known her for a very long time. I've shared hilarious moments with her. I've known her to be a fighter, a survivor and at times a force to be reckoned and a wicked sense of humor with some wry wit that I tend to find fascinating but that was then.  I have no doubt she may still be all these things, but right now she is a mother of two beautiful young children and one dealing with an extraordinary circumstance and just wants hope AND help. Right now this is the LEAST I can do. In time I hope more.

In stats I noticed this page got a hit of 40 people on the 13th of July. That's quiet some time since I've posted so I know it gets seen a lot. Considering I get .001 percent of comments considering the traffic I could easily assume that people stumble on it by accident but I do know which posts are hit and how often.  I don't mind never getting comments because if you read in the title this is more of a journal (if not a neglected one it seems at times) It's for my family and whoever finds it interesting or helpful.

But, THIS WOULD BE REALLY HELPFUL!!! NOT COMMENTS, but VISITING, THEN SHARING RIO's PAGE AT THE LEAST.

At most, those who can, DONATE and get this boy to Texas to give him HOPE. [Link coming up] but let me sell a little more before you bounce on it and bounce back off and go on about your day.

If anyone has ever suffered a bad migraine, headache or any ache so bad you can't open your eyes. Please commiserate. I did't start suffering migraines or even bad headaches (that I can remember until I was 14. I'll never forget the first day of the worse. It was so bad a female senior had to pick a freshman (myself) off the bathroom floor and carry me to the office. I remember my mother's concern then. Years later I remember the look and helplessness on my Dad's face when I was an adult and he watched me suffer through a migraine.  It wasn't the last but definitely milder one compared to others. I only let him witness 2 more bad ones because for parents... It's heartbreaking.  And I could see it on his face. The only thing worse is a toddler going through the pain.

SO I'm beside myself with the feeling of what it must feel like for this mother when she watches her BABY cry to go to the doctor for a shot. A Baby...Asking for a Shot...

Please just take a couple of seconds to watch this. Share this. For Rio. For my Friend.

I may share this more than once.  So if you get aggravated by seeing it over and over, understand I do it because some of my friends have like 1,000 friends in their feed and posts are missed.  I miss so many from so many people's I love seeing but even though I try not to "over friend" I still got a lot going on in my feed. So bare with me, it's for a child. We can't do everything about every baby that is sick for our friends or even for strangers, but like I said this is personal to me and this is the least I can do.

I'll make a vow. I mentioned that I'm of the candid sort. I'm a person that is very capable of sharing ups, downs, in betweens, I do so because in the past I went through some really "worrisome times" and while going through them I turned in to a basket case and started to spill and in spilling I found out I (who thought I was the one and only) going through that problem was actually one of MANY going through the same problem.  Plus, half of my nature allows me to be that way to a certain point.  But lately I have not been candid or upfront about a lot of things.

If I can get enough hits on this to prompt people to share - If I can see it as the top hit post, I'll spill - I'll let myself be a wide open gate for something I'm going through (and I'm not talking about my health problems but have kept only to myself, close and trusted family members and TWO friends. A bombshell. From my perspective anyways.  I'll make it as juicy as I can albeit not so much that it affects my son. BUT, that means this post has to be hit enough to bounce to the most hit post. Until then, I'll save it for the book. ;)

On a serious note:   Rio... little man needs some hope  So does Mommy. Please share and share until that little boy and his mom are singing.

The Stars at Night - So Big and Bright

(clap clap clap clap)

Deep in the Heart of Texas.

In case you missed it above the rambling:  Sweet Rio

For my friends and family that love the following little man who will be turning six soon! FINALLY. Think if it were him. Or your sweet babies..

Picture from mid May I never got to post. Notice his shoes. (letting a 5 yr old dress him self - could have been so much worse.. good job D.)

Spinner Dax Powell

After a meeting to plan for Dax's K-5 Graduation I felt a moment of realization. I now longer have a little baby but a little boy, Dax is growing older and understanding more, Unlike my parents, who were awesome, I however tend to be very open with him, I'm afraid he's going to need a little toughening up. (I had an older brother that took care of that for me, Dax doesn't) Plus I don't want him to be as sheltered and hopefully he'll be a bit wiser than I was when he gets to the teenage years. Dax has had trouble with me making him mind more, doing more of his own things, he takes it harder coming from me, b/c I've been at home with him since 6 mos. So I made this for him to show him no matter the look on Mama's face, it's all out of love.

Oops had to fix the link...

Spinner Dax

Sorry about that fam...

After All My Effort DAX Drops The MOTHER-LOAD of Confessions

"...Mom, I'm for BAMA now."    Felt like someone drop kicked me in the face.

He said this to me while he was at his Mimi's house. My Mother. I was probably staring at Dax in total shock. LOL. I could feel the smile pop up on "Mimi's face w/o having to even look at her. He caught me so off guard that I was (in a kinda of laughing inappropriate way) saying "Dax, honey, why? You LOVE watching the games with you Dad or Mama?" (We watch in different rooms - Clint paces shouts the WHOLE time, where's I'm more of the silent type unless we make a big play). "You love watching Nova or Spirit fly over the stadium. UA's mascot might be cool but they don't even have one in person. That's not fun." (sorry my UA fans) I was just running off with the most ridiculous things to him as to why he really didn't want to be a UA fan.

When I got around to actually ask the right and serious question. Which was, "what changed your mind?" (My mom listening to all this not saying a word with an interesting grin, said "FINALLY!"

His answer, A girl...A GIRL?  Actually I'm not surprised, but just GREAT, Absolutely PERFECT!!  That's what I get.  After all I've done...  :o) What would I mean by that?

I grew up an Auburn fan a pretty moderate one BUT since my parents were Tide fans, I grew up rooting for BAMA when they weren't playing Auburn but never when they played each other (my parents did the same and actually sent their son to Auburn. To be truthful I was 1st an Alabama fan (while Bear was still alive, I remembered when he died like yesterday - Sad day for many Football fans across the nation - I'd think). Actually I take that back I was very young and liked all watching games (at that time) I can't say I was a UA fan, I was just a "P.Bear Bryant fan. B/c my parents had a HUGE book of his that I loved. I remember my mother's face when she found out on the news? from talk? don't now. I just remember it well.

However at the same time, my Uncle, who was die hard back then and is still a big AU fan, brought my brother 1st then I followed suit over to the "Right" side. Or the Dark side a Tide fan would say. He was just too cool and made it too fun and so did my Aunt, his wife, who would make us the coolest craftiest things in Auburn. This was b/f his daughters Leah and Tracey were born. So we were close with my Uncle and Aunt. Still are. Just don't see each other as much.

 In my family it was all lovingly/friendly rivalry. Jokes. Funny too. Zero hate rivalry. May be hard to believe but if you think about it when that's the nature of some people and your family how could just a game bring around hard feelings.  That's what it's like in - how does the phrase go? family divided? With our family anyways. It was that way with our UA friends too. It was just always fun and games. Until...

NOW, fast forward to adulthood. I started dating my husband in 1999 and he's the biggest (not only football fan) but Auburn fan I've ever met. So much so that it's an all year issue. Football season seems to never end at our house b/c he's constantly watching possible recruits not just for Auburn but for other teams so he'll know who Auburn will be facing. It's has been at times overwhelming for me who's an AU fan in the sense if Auburn's not winning I'll turn it off b/c I can't stand to see them lose.  But, it's just a game and a day later I'm over it. For the most part.

Difference is, where he's from the rivalry with the exception to several people was quite ugly. Being around not only some of these people but now you have social media and Paul Finebaum, the killing of our trees. Hard feelings set in and I admit b/c of certain friends loving that rivalry being pure hate as I say. I just don't look at them the same.  AU fans too, but if I'm honest. You know the rival team's uglier fans bother you more than our own. But I think it says a lot about the person. No matter what side your own. This applies to me too as you'll see below. I'm can't pass judgment on anyone from my actions.

SO, the year is 2008 and I'm expecting and we'd just found out it was a boy. The jokes almost started immediately. We have many Alabama fan friends some were the friendly rivalry type but some are ruthless to the point I'd find myself wanting BAMA to go down when they weren't playing us. I'm know all fans know people like this and know the feeling.  But still, even the friends where it was friendly rivalry were going to enjoy trying to turn our son into a TIDE fan.

MANY friends. Even my best friend and to show you how bad... :) On the day he was born and she held him for the first time  - what does she do? She starts singing Bama's fight song to him. HA. (Sorry Jen I cannot find the pic of when she was doing this). Wish I had video as proof.  So I knew from that moment if even my best friend/maid of honer/former roommates at three different residences would do that....GAME ON!

For Clint's sake I was going to make sure WarrrRRRR EAGLE, HEY! GO TIGERS! was going to stay in the family. Though Jen made me laugh with her fight song antic. The jokes had been coming ever since our Tide fans knew we were going to have a boy. Due to Clint or us both, I'll never know. So I began what seemed like a never ending journey to raise this kid Orange in Blue.

8 months pregnant I started on Dax's room. Yes,8 mons. prego and is the only time my ankles swelled and blood pressure went up. Let me tell you it was a lot of work. Clint offered to help but I like to work alone b/c I can be a task master or a perfectionist and Clint doesn't have the patience for the room I had envisioned.

 Besides he did help for all of 10 mins. before a mosquito flew in and got stuck to the paint and Clint just kept right on painting over the mosquito...  So below is the work in progress on D's room (pictures that show you how much effort and tape this took) total prego insanity determination. The room is of course different now, furniture is different and lots of toys and Legos but lots more AU stuff too.. Too much? Apparently not.

Lots and lots of 3M,WORK,PATIENCE AND TIME for an 8 mos pregnant chic

Actually, I finished and though we were still waiting on furniture at 9 mons, this is what it looked like when I was so exhausted and eaten up with migraines it's hard to believe I worked up to the day before my due date.

This of course was much later but EVEN THE CRIB BUMPER... I think I was a little stir crazy. I guess I had it in mind that this child would dream Orange and Blue. I was going to make sure that he would never become an UA fan. for the sake that it might break his father's heart. ;) That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.  That's mobile played the fight song.  Still have all of this stuff. Any AU fans want to buy?

Then there was the games and the CLOTHES.  2/3rds of Dax's clothes are Auburn OR Orange and/or Blue.

EVEN when he got a spiral fracture going down a slide. Totally Ridiculous - though he chose the colors himself... 

He was in my lap and on the way down stuck his foot out and the rubber of his shoe caught the slide. While we were going down. It's more dangerous to go down a slide with your child in your lap then to send him down himself. I SO did not think of that. 

There are so many pictures of Dax in Auburn clothes I had to pick. Probably put too many.  Even Dax's first school picture K-4 we REPRESENTED with his white jersy. Which for some reason won't let me post. UGH. Computers...

So here I am pleading with him while my Mom the Tide fan was enjoying this as SWEET justice. Obviously for my Motherly betrayal to her's and Dad's team.

After saying (smiling/joking of course) Dax: "AU good, UA bad." I finally got serious with him and said, "Dax you can cheer for what ever team you want." Just as long as they not playing Auburn. j/k  

He was smiling b/c he knew Mama was playing. To me this is another reminder that Football is just A GAME NOT A RELIGION. And even though I'd long been jaded towards my beloved football and stopped caring as much due to the ugliness in the Rivalry. Social Media and Paul Finebaum has opened my eyes and in them is nothing more than JERRY SPRINGER. I'm thankful to God for this reminder. That is the reason my Uncle though still a big fan is not the die hard he was.  He found God. Same for my Brother.

Now I admit with all three of us the line get's blurred b/c we are "UA/AU the SEC's pride" for the most part. For now anyways even if we lost that game. So UA fans were very happy about that but I know some that wasn't. It doesn't make sense to me. To not want your state SEC champs if your team didn't get that chance.

But I want my son to worship God, not football like we seem to do especially in my previous actions. I'm still buying season tickets this year in an attempt to remind him how much he already loves AU. But more importantly because, coming from a Mother his mind simply b/c of a girl that he wants to be friends with worries me to no end. Wouldn't it you?
And in case your wondering.  His favorite color is still Blue.  and he's still AU  -  For now ;)